One liners

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
Copywight 1994 Ewmer Fudd. All wights wesewved. Heheheh...
5 out of 4 people have trouble with statistics.
A seminar on Time Travel will be held 2 weeks ago
A small object that is accidentally dropped will hide.
AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.
Alzheimer's advantage #25: New friends every day
Alzheimer's advantage #31: You can help plan your own surprise parties
Alzheimer's advantage #34: You can hide your own Easter eggs
Am I ignorant or apathetic? I don't know and don't care!
Apology: Politeness too late.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same idea.
Can you repeat the part after "Listen very carefully?"
Criminal lawyer. Isn't that redundant?
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
Don't steal - the government hates competition.
Dyslexia: it can warn without striking!
Everyone has a photographic memory, some don't have film.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid!
From the department of redundancy department.
Give and you might receive. Take and be sure of it.
Ground Beef: A cow with no legs.
Have you heard of Heisenberg's uncertainty principle? I'm not sure...
How do you make a Mac faster? Throw it harder!
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
I can never find the time to procrastinate.
I can't remember the last time I forgot something.
I forgot all about my Amnesia Anonymous meeting!
I know it all. I just can't remember it simultaneously.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy folks?
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
If you can't laugh at yourself ... I'll do it for you.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
If you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
Illiterate? Write for a free brochure...
I'm in a phone booth at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk
I'm multitasking... I read in the bathroom.
I'm not afraid of flying, I'm afraid of crashing.
I'm not picking my nose, I'm pointing to my brain.
I'm not schizophrenic, and neither am I.
I'm so broke I'm thinking about starting my own government...
Imaginary numbers: Umpteen and zillion.
In an atomic war, all men will be cremated equal.
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
I've been meaning to start procrastinating for some time
I've met zucchini with more potential.
I've seen condom vending machines, but this one installs.
I've told you a million times--stop exaggerating!
Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
Jerk: what is found on both ends of fishing lines.
Life: a terminal, sexually transmitted disease.
Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence...
Love is grand. Divorce is twenty grand.
LSD: Virtual reality without all the expensive hardware
Marriage is the main cause for divorce.
Mosquito: Designed by God to make flies seem better.
Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist!
Not all men are fools, some are bachelors
Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.
Originality is the art of concealing your source.
Prunes give you a run for your money.
Psychic convention canceled due to unforeseen problems
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
She kept saying I didn't listen to her, or something like that.
Shin - A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Stick \'stik\ n. 1: A boomerang that doesn't work.
Synonym: word used when you can't spell the one you wanted
Tact: The unsaid part of what you are thinking.
The Apathy Anonymous meeting was canceled due to lack of interest.
The best defense against logic is stupidity.
The Procrastinator Ananymous meeting has been put off till next week.
To reformat a CD-ROM, use steel wool & heavy pressure
Tonight's forecast: Dark, followed by light.
Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!
Two most common elements in the universe: Hydrogen & Stupidity.
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee machines.
Virus check complete. All viruses functioning normally.
You are an example of why some animals eat their young.
You can tell a real programmer by the keyboard dents in his forehead
You can't teach people to be lazy-either they have it, or they don't.
You have mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
Young gorillas are friendly, but they soon learn.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of intelligence?
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
90% of all statistics are made up
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
Every time I've built character, I've regretted it.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
A day not wasted is a day wasted!
A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
A friend: someone who likes you even after they know you.
A Smith & Wesson *ALWAYS* beats 4 Aces.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power
Alone: In bad company.
Always remember no matter where you go, there you are.
Ambition is the last refuge of the failure.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Angels can fly because they take themselves so lightly.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, & complain. And most do.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
Bigamy : one wife too many. Monogamy : same thing.
Confusion not only reigns, it pours.
Constant change is here to stay.
Do steam rollers really roll steam?
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Efficiency takes time! Frugality: who can afford it?
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
Forgive your enemies...but REMEMBER THEIR NAMES!
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!
I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages.
I hate to repeat gossip, so I'll only say this once.
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right.
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is there another work for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!
Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse.
Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence...
Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...
Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro...
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...
Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory...
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant
This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

List of texts and stories

  1. City Boy
  2. How To Install Software: A 12-Step Program
  3. A Day at the Bar
  4. A Divine Sign
  5. Why did the chicken cross the road?
  6. Religions
  7. How Do You Translate That?
  8. One liners
  9. Have you ever wondered?
  10. Creative Answering Machine Messages
  11. The Biggest Lies of All
  12. Bumper Sticker
  13. Real Church Announcements
  14. In the Courtroom
  15. From Driving Exams
  16. Fun in elevator
  17. From Students' Exams
  18. Kids - questions and answers
  19. Murphy's Military Laws
  20. Newspaper Headlines
  21. How to Pass Your Exams
  22. How to Order Pizza by Phone
  23. Programmer Bulb Jokes
  24. Real Advertisements
  25. Fun With Your Roommate
  26. The World's Thinnest Books